When I left work Tuesday afternoon I was fighting back tears – trying not to give in to the attack that I felt sure the enemy was making on me. I got in my car and noticed there was a bug on my windshield (outside) directly in my field of vision. I thought, “Well, you won’t be there long,” and started on my way. I was too busy trying to figure out why I was being attacked and trying to ‘rationalize’ the attack in my head – you know, ‘Ok. I get it. I understand what’s going on. This is what happened and I’m NOT gonna let it get to me. I am NOT going to cry.’
I got through town and was on the 25 minute stretch headed home. Even though I had let a few tears fall as I was getting through town and heading out, I had it under control now. I was gonna be just fine. Yeah, right! As soon as I thought that, the floodgates opened! LOL I was not just crying – I was sobbing! “Oh poor me! Why does the enemy have to attack me like this? It’s just not fair! I’ve been trying SO hard to do better! Lord, don’t You see? You KNOW I’ve been doing much better and really improved – a LOT! Right? So, why do I feel so awful because I messed up again? Is it because I’m in Celebrate Recovery and trying my best to learn how to deal with all this ‘junk’ from the past? Is it because I finally NAMED my fear and so now it’s being thrown at me from ALL directions? If so, then I don’t know if I want to continue! This is too hard! It hurts too much! Maybe I should just give up!” (All of this while sobbing, uncontrollably)
At this point, I noticed the bug was STILL hanging on to my windshield and it was as if the Lord spoke into my spirit, “See how that bug is hanging on for dear life to your windshield? I want you to hang on to ME like that. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. I’m here for you and I will see you through this. But this is going to be a process and you will HAVE to be willing to hang on to Me just like that bug is hanging on to your windshield. I’ve got you. I’m not gonna let you go.”
WOW! Okay, Father. I’m hanging on but I’m gonna need Your help. Some days, like today, I feel like the enemy is snatching me away and that I just can’t hold on any longer. But as long as You have me in Your hand, I know I’ll be okay. You will continue to give me strength and help me hold on.
Then about ten minutes away from my house, I was watching the bug and still being amazed at how it was hanging on and then………..it let go! It got THAT close to being home and it let go! It was as if something just snatched it right off the windshield. Again, I felt the Lord whispering to my spirit, “See? Don’t be like that bug. Don’t be SO close to getting ‘home’ with dealing with this fear only to let go and give up and be consumed by it again. Don’t let go. I’ve got you and I’M not letting go of you so don’t you let go of Me either.”
I’m not gonna let go, Father. I want to keep clinging to You! I WANT to learn how to deal with this and still be a shining light for You, whether this ‘thorn’ is ever removed from me or not. Thank You, Father, for reminding me that YOU are with me and that You won’t leave me. As long as I hold on to You, I will make it through this. And thank You for leading me straight to these verses when I got home:
My sheep listen to My voice; I know them and they follow me. I give them eternal life and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of My Father’s hand. I and the Father are One. ~ John 10:27-30 (emphasis mine because that is the part that really grabbed me)
So, no matter how hard the enemy may want and try to “snatch” me (or you) from the Father, he can NOT do it! As long as I (or you) hold on, He will not let go of us.
What about you? Has there ever been a time when you just felt like letting go and giving up? Would you leave a comment and share what inspired you to keep going and keep holding on? I’d love to hear it.